Why Do Men Take So Long in the Bathroom? - A mental health perspective.

TMI warning (if you’re old like me, that means ‘Too Much Information’; you’ve been warned!).

I’m a bloke, and I’ve been known to spend a long time in the bathroom (see, I did warn you, but don’t worry I won’t go into details!).

I thought it was just me, having never discussed my bathroom habits with anybody else; I mean, I might be able to talk about my mental health, and I’ve written about my experiences of divorce and dating, but even I have my limits.

So, why am I bringing up bathroom habits?

Well, I’ve discovered it’s not just me. Apparently it’s a bit of a ‘bloke thing’. Who knew? So it won’t just be me that’s been asked, many times, ‘what are you doing in there, have you fallen in?!’

What am I doing? I confess, sometimes it’s a nice little break isn’t it? I go everywhere with my iPad and a book, and the bathroom is no different. Sometimes I get a bit lost in whatever I might be reading or watching at the time.

But sometimes it hasn’t been that.

Sometimes I’ve locked myself in to escape; to drop the mask and let out the tears that I can’t hold back any longer. It happened a lot when I was suffering with depression, and it’s happened a lot while grieving the loss of my partner. Generally I’m not much of a crier, but they broke me wide open. I’ve cried in my bathroom at home, the bathroom at work, and even the bathroom at Costa. And I know that it’s not just me that’s done that.

I want you to know that that’s ok. We absolutely need to be able to express our feelings. We have them for a reason, and to feel them and release them is healthy and healing. That said, I also know that nobody wanted my crying to interrupt their meeting, or their Costa coffee and cake.

We all have to wear our masks sometimes, they have an important role in helping us to function within society, and to play the roles that we need to play in our day-to-day lives. It’s like a fighter - however scared and nervous they feel inside, their opponent will only ever see the ‘fight face’. Showing what’s really going on inside would give the opponent an edge, and no fighter wants to do that.

Why is it important to talk about mental health?

But we need to be able to drop the mask. We need to have safe places, people, and communities within which we are able to share what’s really going on underneath it all. This is so important. Think of it like a beach ball. If we try to push a beach ball under water, what will it do? That’s right, as soon as we stop holding it there, it will bob up to the surface. It’s not meant to be kept underwater. So it is with our feelings, they aren’t meant to be constantly suppressed. We need to be able to allow them to surface.

Nobody wants to carry a burden alone, but fear of judgement, stigma, and ‘being a burden’ to others, make too many of us feel that we have to. So we keep on our mask, only occasionally dropping it in private, in the bathroom, when we can’t contain our feelings much longer. And in doing so, we are denied one of our most powerful allies when it comes to dealing with the challenges and struggles we face in life: connection and community.

I wrote the poem below based on the response of a man who was part of a research project I was involved in. He explained how nobody in his family knew his struggles with his mental health, and how he would regularly go to the bathroom and cry. He couldn’t let anybody else know. He had to be the ‘strong one’.

But what if reaching out was more widely accepted as a sign of being the strong one?

What if… instead of retreating to the bathroom, we could find connection and community with others who get it, who can support us to tackle our issues, and help us to feel like ourselves again?

What if… instead of feeling we had to struggle alone, we could find a trusted ‘cornerman’ and fight our battles together?

What if… when we wonder why we’re feeling sad for no reason, when we’re feeling overwhelmed with life, when our backs are against the ropes, we know where we can turn, to be seen, heard, accepted, and supported?

How to feel happy again

At Knock Out Depression we’ve been there, and we believe that nobody should have to fight alone. If you'd like support in the fight with depression we can be your cornerman. Our 'Out Of The Blue Corner Membership Community' has been created to offer immediately accessible, affordable support, informed by lived experience of fighting and overcoming depression.

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